What the hell was that hot mess?

So, this was supposed to be an edgier, darker take on the beloved fairy tale of Snow White.  Well, leaving behind that the original Brothers Grimm Snow White was actually pretty dark itself and that the popular version of the fairy tale is really Disney’s watering-down for mass consumption, I was still initially excited by the prospect of a Joan-of-Arc-ish Snow White. Unfortunately, that didn’t happen.

What did happen was this: a passive protagonist running away from everything for the first half of the movie (including letting a horse drown in tar and scarred women to burn along with their secret village which was realllly easy to find); empty and/or cliched characterizations of the Huntsman, William, the albino villain guy; a blind dwarf who prophesied and stuff just for the audienceas if we didn’t already know Snow White was “the one”; and possibly worst of all: Charlize Theron shrieking for half the movie “WHEEERRREEE ISSSS SHEEEE?” In the dark forest, Charlize. Snow White is in the dark forest. I’m serious: half her lines consisted of those three words screamed at ear-splitting levels.

The “plot” worked because all of the characters were so amenable to Snow White’s needs. That always makes for things to go smoothly, but it definitely doesn’t make an interesting movie. Which is a problem for a movie as long as this one.

The film did offer some very interesting and eye-yummy visuals though. In particular, the acid trippy scene in the dark forest was great and dark and even a little terrifying. When the evil queen wasn’t speaking, she was either getting milk baths or writhing in her own tar-pit-like bloody goo and ravens. Some soldiers exploded like glass. I like exploding-glass soldiers.

I didn’t even get to the love triangle between Snow White, the Huntsman, and William, but that’s because it wasn’t even a thing until two-thirds of the way through and even then it wasn’t anything because the Huntsman and William were buddies. A love triangle only works if there’s conflict between the parties involved.

Snow White & The Huntsman had few high points – most of which were sets and costumes – and, honestly, too many low points to count. A shame because the moments that do stand out show potential for a movie that could’ve and should’ve been.